I know I am my own worst judge! I’ve known it for a long time now, I alway feel like I need to do well to prove to people I can do things even though I don’t have a specific reason to prove I can do things. But I have no idea how it started?! Maybe it was from comparing myself to my siblings or peers or others achievements you see daily on social media, that thought that I should be doing it how they are?? Why isn’t my life as successful as theirs?? I start thinking “Oh no I can’t do, wear or be like that because of A,B & C reasons” which I know is ridiculous but I just can’t help myself. And I know I’m not by far the only person who thinks in that way.
When you think of judgement you think of like some judge Judy look alike looking down at you over some low rimmed glasses, but instead it’s you looking down on you, picking out all of the error no matter how big or small they are in front of an audience. Even though the audience can’t see or even think the error is anything to get self judgie about (Sorry that’s the best way to explain the image in my head). I think for me the judgement starts off when I’m feeling a but down I automatically begin to pick at myself but by bit. It could be anything from the way I look, what I’m wearing, what I am saying or some tiny element that didn’t matter 10 mins ago but now seems like the end of the world. But even though I am aware that I am doing it I still continue to basically make myself feel shitty about myself. (Ahhhh!)
But I think I’ve said this before but I think it genuinely boils down to me caring way to much about what people think!! (Again Chloe I think we all saw that one coming!!) I’m sure people don’t really care what I look like, what I’m wearing or saying. But at the time I weave myself into that self judgement mood and I can think or do nothing else. It sucks. But I know I’m not the only one who does this?? I think? My mind again just turns to overtime and ticks until I’ve picked myself into a ball of self misery on the floor. But hey! Even if I can identify it now I’m not saying I won’t continue to do or feel like this at least probably daily! (Thanks brain)!
Thanks for reading another brain fart blog post! Just felt like I had something to say on the subject 🙈
Little Mayfly x