Drunken Mess…

I like a drink as much as the next person! Maybe even a little bit more! I’m a student we love nothing more the drowning our sorrows of dissertations and assessments in the bottom of a pint glass right? But ever since I had my downfall the input of medication means I can’t drink as much (a fact which I always forget).

Ive always struggled with my limit ever since I’ve turned 18. I forget my tiny body can’t cope with keeping up with the rugby lads from home who are twice my size. The amount of time I’ve ended up as a blubbering mess on the floor or a slutty state in a club or turned into a agressive little terrier who wants to fight the world is far to many to even count. And it makes me sad that I get myself into those states, Its nothing to be proud of and I end up hating myself for it.

I start off drinking quickly to get rid of the nerves of talking to people and to give me a bit of confidence and this makes me so chatty you probably can’t get a word in edge ways, I feel like I can be someone else for a bit. Not the quiet me but someone worth being. I love the confidence it brings me and I wish I could be like that without the alcohol, maybe that’s why I get so drunk to forget me for a bit, be someone else. I like that. Who wouldn’t want to be someone else!!

This weekend I went to Bristol for a friends birthday. The plan was to go out clubbing to one of the massive clubs. Stupidly I took a bottle of prosecco but I did water it down with a bit of lemonade to make myself feel not as so bad about drinking that much. But stupid me didn’t just drink that one drink did she! I also had multiple shots of whiskey and took part in a few games of beer pong, all whilst finished the bottle of presecco!! And of course the alcohol hit me all at once and the confidence I felt at the beginning of the evening turned into sheer panic. I couldn’t control myself it was if I was in a bubble watching myself stumble around this house. This was soon followed by the biggest panic attack I have ever had in my life! It was horrible. My friends found me in a corner and carried me away from the party. I can remember clinging onto them I couldn’t catch my breath it was horrible. I haven’t told many of my friends about what’s been going on in the last few months I find it embarrassing to tell them, I hate the thought of people judging me. So they were probably confused to why I had turned into this mess clinging onto them for dear life. I also remember shouting at them in between breaths telling them to go out and leave me. They didn’t. They stayed until I was breathing normal again and a few of them stayed behind and tucked me into bed and put titanic on to watch.

I feel so embarrassed that I fell apart like that I front of people but I know they care about me. It feels so stupid and weak. When I’m with them I forget about everything that’s been going on in my little head and forget I can’t cope like I used to. And that upsets me. I just want to feel normal again. And yeah I probably do abuse alcohol I know that and end up taking it out on myself and people around me.

It’s just difficult for me to find a balance right now.

Thanks for reading.

Little Mayfly x

22 thoughts on “Drunken Mess…

  1. I completely get you on this one. I’m a uni student too and boy do we love to drink. When I drink I’m like a different person. I’m more chatty and fun and I feel like I enjoy myself more. But sometimes like you it does go wrong and I feel like I have panic attacks the most when I’m drunk! It’s annoying and I hate being in a state where people have to look after me, but like you being small I forgot I can’t take much!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Okay, your situation is far from ideal but alcohol has a great way of masking our insecurities at times. It’s good that you have friends that care about you. Maybe slightly concerning you are watching Titanic but nobody’s perfect. You seem like a lovely girl so try to stay positive.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yea… I read that you have anxiety badly. Trust me I understand. I use to walk away from people in mid conversation when they were eather full of shit or to many people were getting close to me. I hate that! Yes I’m weard. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

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