I like a drink as much as the next person! Maybe even a little bit more! I’m a student we love nothing more the drowning our sorrows of dissertations and assessments in the bottom of a pint glass right? But ever since I had my downfall the input of medication means I can’t drink as much (a fact which I always forget).
Ive always struggled with my limit ever since I’ve turned 18. I forget my tiny body can’t cope with keeping up with the rugby lads from home who are twice my size. The amount of time I’ve ended up as a blubbering mess on the floor or a slutty state in a club or turned into a agressive little terrier who wants to fight the world is far to many to even count. And it makes me sad that I get myself into those states, Its nothing to be proud of and I end up hating myself for it.
I start off drinking quickly to get rid of the nerves of talking to people and to give me a bit of confidence and this makes me so chatty you probably can’t get a word in edge ways, I feel like I can be someone else for a bit. Not the quiet me but someone worth being. I love the confidence it brings me and I wish I could be like that without the alcohol, maybe that’s why I get so drunk to forget me for a bit, be someone else. I like that. Who wouldn’t want to be someone else!!
This weekend I went to Bristol for a friends birthday. The plan was to go out clubbing to one of the massive clubs. Stupidly I took a bottle of prosecco but I did water it down with a bit of lemonade to make myself feel not as so bad about drinking that much. But stupid me didn’t just drink that one drink did she! I also had multiple shots of whiskey and took part in a few games of beer pong, all whilst finished the bottle of presecco!! And of course the alcohol hit me all at once and the confidence I felt at the beginning of the evening turned into sheer panic. I couldn’t control myself it was if I was in a bubble watching myself stumble around this house. This was soon followed by the biggest panic attack I have ever had in my life! It was horrible. My friends found me in a corner and carried me away from the party. I can remember clinging onto them I couldn’t catch my breath it was horrible. I haven’t told many of my friends about what’s been going on in the last few months I find it embarrassing to tell them, I hate the thought of people judging me. So they were probably confused to why I had turned into this mess clinging onto them for dear life. I also remember shouting at them in between breaths telling them to go out and leave me. They didn’t. They stayed until I was breathing normal again and a few of them stayed behind and tucked me into bed and put titanic on to watch.
I feel so embarrassed that I fell apart like that I front of people but I know they care about me. It feels so stupid and weak. When I’m with them I forget about everything that’s been going on in my little head and forget I can’t cope like I used to. And that upsets me. I just want to feel normal again. And yeah I probably do abuse alcohol I know that and end up taking it out on myself and people around me.
It’s just difficult for me to find a balance right now.
Thanks for reading.
Little Mayfly x