I know it sounds stupid but one of the biggest things I have an issue with is self loathing. If your unsure of what it is, then the dictionary definition of self loathing is to ‘Hate oneself’. I think most people suffer from self loathing at some point, from hating the way your hair looks, to the way your legs look in a skirt or worrying about carrying a bit of extra weight. Now I know I’m not a bad looking person I’m blessed to be a good height and skinny with long hair. But I still can’t help picking fault with myself all of the time. I find that when my anxiety is at its worst I can’t even look at myself in a mirror, or even cathin a glimpse in a shiny surface. I find it hard to get dressed when I get like this because I hate putting on clothes as it makes me feel ugly, so I just stick to pjs or basic jeans and tops. Another time that my self loathing always hits is just while I’m getting ready to go out for a night out. I get so worried about what people think of me that I begin to hate myself and all of the possible outfits I have planned in my head. Then if my make up or hair goes wrong as well I feel that I have ruined the hole night because I will be the ugly one. Even though deep down I know I will look/fit in with all my other friends. I hate it I really do but I cant help myself! Buts then that’s only probably because I know that it’s so stupid and ridiculous. Its so hard because I know its stupid but I still do it (if you get what I mean).
I live for the days when I don’t self loath because I wont spend all day thinking that people are looking at me at ever turn I take. I can be quite a confident person when I want to be but the minute the self loathing begins I want to bury my head in the sand or curl up in my duvet and hide for the rest of the day. I know that all of this is triggered by my anxiety and depression issues but I hope that by recognising it in my blog that I hopefully begin to notice when I self loath and stop it in its tracks. I guess I just have to work through it and convince myself I’m worth my effort. And everyone is guilty of a bit of self loathing I guess I have to stop taking it out on myself so much. Even Beyoncé says that ‘pretty hurts’ I guess to me it just hurts me in a different way and will take a bit of working through.
Thanks for reading this ramble of thoughts which may not even make sense, I felt like I just needed to express it in someway and felt that this was a safe platform to do so.
Little Mayfly x